Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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