this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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