did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Green mimosas i think yes
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
