gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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