Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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