I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize