i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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