If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize