So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
