All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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