It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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