I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
