I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
