Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
