I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
