I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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