i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
