I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is Oprah even human
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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