I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
zippers are such a cool invention
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
