Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
