a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
