I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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