I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
