Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
