Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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