Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
