Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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