the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
