Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
