he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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