Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The power of my boobs compel you
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
