Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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