u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
