I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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