the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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