So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
