I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
