I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
