We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
