i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
