well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
