I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
