I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
