How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
