Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
