Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
