He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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