I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
