i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
