I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
