For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
