can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
