There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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