I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I am naked and annoyed.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
