I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
