I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
