dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You may now shotgun with the bride
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
50% drunk capacity currently
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize