Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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