i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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