I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
