dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
