I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The beer is more important than you right now.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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