i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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