3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
